Day 21

When you surpass your own limits, how far can you go?

Limits are boundaries that have not been broken yet. The real boundary is fear and fear can be overcome.

Life was still going great. But this persistent awareness of losing everything again was very much fear inducing. It was like the still waters hit a turbulence but only this time, travel actually created the foundation for a new fear. So it felt pointless to me to travel to fix the problem. Now I was stuck yet again, scared of what the future had to hold. In the midst of conversation with a group of friends based in NYC, we had been suggesting a group activity that didn't center around the bar. As typical college aged early 20s adults, nothing really clicked. However, someone jokingly suggested doing an experience called City Climb, where you would climb the top of the 106 story Edge Building in Hudson Yards and lean off the top, being held together with a harness. I also never took it seriously, being deathly afraid of heights. I've probably never been higher than 4 stories in any building in my life. But, as a hypothetical, we all said that we would all go through with it if one person brought a ticket. Jokingly, one by one, everyone claimed they had a ticket. And after enough peer pressure I brought my ticket too. It would’ve been nice to know that they were joking.

Now I was locked into an experience that I didn't want to do at the cost of a lot of money. It wasn't all bad. I thought if I could get over my fear of heights, my fear of the future would be overcome too. 2-for-1 deal.
But then again, this would be a massive jump. The day of the booked session, I had a lot of anxiety. Just looking at the building from floor level was so intimidating. And I still had to climb this thing. Ultimately, I stood waiting nervously until the time slot was up. In that time my blood pressure probably could've taken me out alone, I was probably suppressing 4 panic attacks simultaneously. I respected myself to understand if I wanted to back out, I would without living it down.

12:45. Die or escape an unnecessary session of exposure therapy. And I knew what I needed to do. I got up off the waiting area, into an elevator. When I got off, I was at the 100th story of the Edge Building. For once, I wasn't as scared as I thought I'd be. It felt anything but real. CGI, virtual reality, so real that it wasn't. Everything behind the windows was worth the cost of the ticket alone. But its not done here, 6 stories to go. As I get harnessed onto the building, it was time to climb to the top of the building with no structure between you and the atmosphere. By this point, I thought I would pass out, back out, or snap the harness with adrenaline. But it was actually the opposite. The higher I went, the more comfortable I felt. 101th floor, 102th, 104th, 106th. For someone like me, this is a great achievement. A milestone was broken with each floor. Then came the part of leaning off the building. When the guides brought it up, I refused profusely. Never in my life have I said no to anything more illogical and insane. The added trust issues of life's unpredictability and the ruse of the friends that got me here locked me into staying away. The guides should have gone into sales as they thoroughly convinced me to stop panicking.

And for a moment, I stopped. Everything that's made me not trust the experience flashed before my eyes, as if I was about to pass away. In a millisecond, I saw everything happen all over again and was content with the progress that I made. If my harness were to snap while I leaned out, I'd be pretty happy to go out. After all I've accomplished, after the experiences I've had, I gained everything I never thought i'd have. I closed my eyes, kneeled down, trusted the harness, and opened my eyes to a bird's eye view of the city I've been traveling around. I kneeled down, leaned back and was standing on the structure. Once I left that building, I planned two things that same night.

One week later, I traveled the farthest distance I've ever been to on my own accord to New Jersey. After arriving at the facility, I presented my ticket, my ID and was driven off to the heliport. When I got there, I couldn't take my eyes off the helicopter I was about to ride. The same kind of thrill I faced in the Edge Building, but even higher. As I stated, I planned two things that night. For one, I wanted to see all of the city through a bird's eye view like I did with City Climb. But most importantly, I wanted to honor my wishes back in the Hydrotherapy phase and see the World Trade Center on its own height. There were no doors on this helicopter and it is definitely a frightening experience taking off. It feels like the most pressure inducing carnival ride ever. But I was ok with it. If something bad were to happen, I was proud to go out having done everything I wanted to do. The entire ride was flawless. All the retrospectives seeing every place I've ever been to was nostalgic and wholesome. Seeing everything from a height that's been the highest I've been was a different experience. I wasn't scared once to look down and enjoyed the dramatic turns that would shift the entire helicopter like a pendulum. By the time we went back, I was keeping my eyes open until I saw it. Then it came into view - the World Trade Center. It was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. The same artifact that gave me hope and started everything was the same one where I would end H0spice at. I took the photo I wanted the entire ride and couldn't have been more satisfied. I got off the helicopter ride and capped off the day at yet another concert that fell on the same day. By my luck, I met an old friend who lived in my same hometown. One long trip in the NYC subway became a memorable car ride with some of the best conversation I had all year.

I wasn't scared of losing anymore. I didn't have anything else to lose. I did it all. I surpassed my limits. And should I go out doing what
I want, I'd rather go out doing what I want than to never do in the first place.