Day 41

If you could change time, would you live in the past, present, or future?

You can look back on the past, live in the present, and see into the future, but at times its better not to dwell on either at all.

June 30, 2023. Half a year ago I was not the person I am today. But I wanted to spend the day remembering how far I've come. The idea of being around water had not stopped, but the idea of a retrospective had grew important to me. Most of my time that day was spent at the South point of NYC -Battery Park.It was a great area by the water and relatively close to a concert I had planned to go to at Pier 17. Looking back at all the core memories over the last couple of months through photographs was wholesome. The frame at NYC AIDS Memorial, the fountain in Washington Square Park, and the peak of Outlook Hill were moments to be proud of.
Once I finished looking back from the start, I made my way to the World Trade Center to visit until the time of the concert.

In retrospect, I was not the person I was half a year ago. I had every odd going against me. I lost everything I spend lots of effort building from scratch. Finding my apartment was incredibly taxing and a product of chance, all my friends didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to me and the only one in my hometown grew more distant - I had no support system around me anymore, and anytime I did try to go forward, I would fail horrendously. I failed to get my driver's license with an abysmal score despite being overly confident,
I couldn't handle more than one day working for a job I used to excel at, and my health crumbled. I would not recognize myself today, nor before January had even occured. Going towards the person I am today, I am none of those things. I am healthy, I am financially striving, and I am succeeding at new things I put my mind to. From travel, to home improvement, to watching new shows on my own without someone else, I found my independence and strengthened my resilience. I might've lost all that meant so much to me, but I flipped it upside down and made the most of what I had. And I made a trajectory of experiences that I wouldn't give up for anything. But living in the moment took so much chance, so much diversion away from other areas of my life. I wanted to find more money, try to find love again,
and advance extracurriculars outside my education and gave that up for personal development.

As for the future, things became hard to really predict. If someone told me half a year ago that I would move overnight, lose everthing and build myself up from scratch once again, I would be skeptical, as if a doctor diagnosed me with osteoporosis at 14 years old. Therefore, things became muddy very quickly. My success now can be redacted at any second, just like how it did in my Prediagnosis stage. It made me very paranoid about what's to come, because even this period of growth will probably have its own end. My adventures could be in moribund, and I may not even know it. I tried the best I could to get it out of my head. A couple of Insomia cookies later, I forgot about my pondering and was ready for that concert. Fortunately, everything went great. A perfect way to cap off the night. But ultimately, the fear of moribund persisted. And a problem of the past became a problem of the future.