Epilogue

What if everything that you lost could be found again?

To find something once lost is a great privilege, and it is with the utmost respect to live with it as if you could lose it again at that very moment.


It's probably a universal experience to feel awkward as hell after ending a period of life. Ending itself is very scary for so many reasons. Giving up familiarity, uncertainty of the future, and the expected effort to accept change makes end unpleasant. For a while, I felt that everything I left behind would never find me again and that was my criteria for it all being lost. But when the concept of life after death takes fruition, sometimes you wonder if the things you lost were ever gone forever in the first place.

After moving on, the same opportunities just brushed my way. The morning after Day 0, a comedian was set to perform at a comedy club back in Albany. I saw this comedian before with a friend who stayed on campus. My prior inhibitions just held me back. Ever since the Placebo Effect period, that city never felt the same as it did that day and going back would be pointless. A couple hours later I get an email about the event. Ignore. Days later these ads just haunt me as if it were the IRS. At about the 7th ad I just gave in and tried not to think too much about my previous visit. And this started one of the most fever dream like phases that reference the past extremely heavily.

The event itself was awesome. Great comedy, awesome food, and a sense of resurrection that I didn't believe in. The idea of going back to something that didn't feel like it belonged just seemed wrong. Inevitably, going to this one event caused a domino effect
that would make me question everything I just went through. Arriving back home, I couldn't help but not want to give up on traveling - it's been too good of an experience to give up. Fortunately during H0spice, I purchased a lot of tickets for future events, and it seemed like every other week I would have plans lined up around every other week. But every time I'd go, I would happen to see places that reminded me of something I did during H0spice.

Amongst my travels to new locations, I would just give in to this idea of seeing places that I've seen in the past. The vibe was nothing like Placebo Effect, where I felt that I've outgrown them. I felt welcome and nostalgic visiting the places that helped me get through a lot. Ultimately, they reinforced my sense of self and were good reference points to see how far I've come. Most notably, Recovery was a defining moment in H0spice seeing a great concert and coming across the NYC AIDS memorial. During my first time there, I saw a glimpse into a life where I would recover from my losses. Coincidentally, half a year later I would run into this memorial after seeing the same artist - this time fully recovered. I would let myself go
at the same concert, straining my voice, and spending energy like it was my last. It made my journey feel like I was improving so much compared to when I visited those places before. Visiting Washington Square Park during Remission was the best day of the year and every time I did something to treat myself after that felt exactly like that day. Hydrotherapy focused on reconstruction and building towards something new, which gave me the will to quit my job and look for new work. Turbulence made me realize how to live life in the moment and killed off my inhibition to be on autopilot, letting life pass me by; whenever I see a good view, I stop and take it in as opposed to being scared of it. Even the person I cut off during Triage came around. Now I have a perfect idea of how to triage my priorities and so far I'm doing a really good job while still maintaining the friendship.

In the end, my perspective on loss has become more informed. Ultimately, loss is one of inevitability. It's like being sick. You can do all you can to avoid disease, but no matter what you will get sick. But being sick isn't all that bad. You become stronger after recovering, you can relate to people that are undergoing the same thing you are, and you start to appreciate your health while you still have it. That's what I thought what H0spice was. But that's what P0stm0rtem is all about. If you're "sick" or you've lost something, grieve and fight to move on, even if it seems impossible because you have nothing left to lose. And if you're not, appreciate what you have.
Because end is inevitable, so if its gonna be over, I'm going to end it in the best way possible.

The Happy Ending